Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness

The camping had some really lovely, special moments -- the bonfire we had on the beach last night with inevitable whiskey and singing; the affection with which I've been assimilated by a group of people who've otherwise all known each other for years; swimming just before we left today, which is the first time that the amount of stuff I was wearing and the warmth of the weather conspired to mean I actually enjoyed outdoor swimming in England as swimming and not just as a weird endurance event -- but it also made me really fucking appreciate how well I've arranged my life so that I'm cushioned from some of the worst effects of my anxiety, because I was missing out on those things!

For example: I forgot my earbuds so couldn't get to sleep or back to sleep. I didn't know where anything was like I do in my day-to-day life so I was forever using spoons on looking for things and quickly getting frustrated (which can be exhausting in itself!) when I inevitably failed to find them. I also had foolishly neglected to bring my everyday little backpack, thinking "I don't need normal stuff when I'm camping!" which is true but I absolutely would have benefited from my white cane and my RADAR key (key that opens most accessible toilets in public places) for the grocery stores and motorway services we stopped at along the way. I had to use cisabled toilets which meant choosing a gender and I've not really had to worry about that in lockdown and didn't think about it before that. So I didn't enjoy that conundrum.

All of which is to say I have fond memories of this weekend but I spent much of my eight-hour journey back thinking about how much I was looking forward to a shower and a soft bed in a warm room. And so after a little time outside by the firepit (we roasted the marshmallows we took camping and brought back again!), I was ordered to go have a shower before I fell asleep, heh. I really wanted to stay outside by the firepit with my little family, spend time with the people who are about to emigrate...but the next best thing was that my bedroom is over the backyard and I could hear the voices and laughter floating up through my open bedroom window. So cozy.