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Welcome back, Holly
Dec. 31st, 2014 10:22 amAnd... I managed to make it home and start in on the problem-fixing before I burst into tears.
Of course I didn't finish fixing the problems, beyond starting to make inroads on the mountain of laundry that needs doing and emptying the dehumidifier (only a week after it needed it!). But I'm amazed I kept it together for as long as I did before succumbing to hysterics.
The damn smoke alarm was the last straw. It's beeping and I can't get it off the wall to replace the batteries or whatever. I can't see what I'm doing well enough to know why, because it's at the top of the basement stairs and no lights in the basement work now. Which was a delightful problem all its own that I didn't solve but at least kludged together something that meant I could sort laundry and empty the dehumidifiers. Which also involved a lot of frustration and having problems with the tininess and darkness of various things that I know a fully-sighted person wouldn't have, and I again hated how blind I am. I think the solution to how to get the smoke alarm open would also probably be more obvious to someone who could see better.
And all of a sudden I just hated how difficult everything feels for me, hated my awful headache, brought on by a sinus infection that got much worse when flying (especially the landings, especially because they were only a couple hours apart), hated how draining time spent with my family is and how my Christmas holiday was no holiday at all, hated how much there is to fix and do and mend and sort and how completely inadequate I feel to the task, hated that my hysterical tears were just further proof of that inadequacy, hated that I didn't get the job I interviewed so well for so I'm back to soul-sucking job hunting for things I don't even want to do...
I don't break down crying very often at all, so I forget that when I do, it feels like I'll never stop. I don't how how to stop. I don't know how to go on.
Of course I didn't finish fixing the problems, beyond starting to make inroads on the mountain of laundry that needs doing and emptying the dehumidifier (only a week after it needed it!). But I'm amazed I kept it together for as long as I did before succumbing to hysterics.
The damn smoke alarm was the last straw. It's beeping and I can't get it off the wall to replace the batteries or whatever. I can't see what I'm doing well enough to know why, because it's at the top of the basement stairs and no lights in the basement work now. Which was a delightful problem all its own that I didn't solve but at least kludged together something that meant I could sort laundry and empty the dehumidifiers. Which also involved a lot of frustration and having problems with the tininess and darkness of various things that I know a fully-sighted person wouldn't have, and I again hated how blind I am. I think the solution to how to get the smoke alarm open would also probably be more obvious to someone who could see better.
And all of a sudden I just hated how difficult everything feels for me, hated my awful headache, brought on by a sinus infection that got much worse when flying (especially the landings, especially because they were only a couple hours apart), hated how draining time spent with my family is and how my Christmas holiday was no holiday at all, hated how much there is to fix and do and mend and sort and how completely inadequate I feel to the task, hated that my hysterical tears were just further proof of that inadequacy, hated that I didn't get the job I interviewed so well for so I'm back to soul-sucking job hunting for things I don't even want to do...
I don't break down crying very often at all, so I forget that when I do, it feels like I'll never stop. I don't how how to stop. I don't know how to go on.