Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness

The friend I'm visiting today always takes an LFT before I get there. I don't ask, he just does it.

It's such a lovely bit of access intimacy

Lovely to have a friend who can suddenly visit this weekend, lovely that part of the visit planning, right up there with the postcode and parking arrangements, are covid safety negotiations and pronoun checks.

Such things feel so cozy and make me feel really cared-for.

I've told the person organizing the Christmas lunch for the organization I volunteer at that my work one is happening at the same time -- actually two work ones are happening at the same time.

Which is true.

I just didn't say I won't be going to those either. But I won't.

I'm sad to miss the work one in London particularly. There will be big changes to staff and morale at my workplace starting in January (well the big change to morale has started anyway, but it'll get worse) and this is likely to be my last chance to spend time with my lovely team as it is, as the team that was so welcoming and supportive when I started and good to work with and made my first year and a half or so an absolute delight, so good that I was regularly nervous about the other shoe dropping.

But I can't go join in. Sharing food indoors is not accessible for me. #CovidIsNotOver, as the hashtag goes.

It's not that my colleagues don't care about accessibility. They just don't recognize clean air as part of it. I'm the one person who turns up to work events in a mask, so I'm sure I'm Known for it. It just feels like...I can't keep repeating myself, covid is done, no one talks about it. It's been implied (not unkindly) that this is just something I have unreasonable anxiety about. And yes I do have an anxiety disorder! But that's all the more reason that I can assure you this is not that! Yes it is anxiety but no it's not disordered.

My manager said something a while ago that haunts me regularly: something along the lines of "I know you don't like to travel..." (in the context of which of us would attend an in-person event)

I love to travel.

I haven't been traveling for work if I can help it because I'm trying to limit my covid exposure as much as possible. That's not due to a general recalcitrance on my part!

But since my reason must be invisibilized, I worry it seems that way. I've had to wiggle out of a couple more allegedly-important events (I don't think they are but higher-ups think so) lately, and I worry it makes me look feckless or less good at my job. I feel like I'm overreacting when I say that but, because of the impending "transformation" everyone's nervous about justifying their job role and their existence. This edigness is manifesting itself in all kinds of uncomfortable ways as I'm sure you can imagine, and I guess one of mine is just a general terror that people will think I'm not working hard enough and it'd be better to have someone else doing my job.

I was encouraged to go to an awards ceremony as the literal face of a campaign that was up for an award and when I begged off, the big big boss was like "aw, you worked so hard, you should get to celebrate!" I appreciate the thought but...this kind of thing doesn't feel like a celebration for me at all.

And that's really sad because pre-pandemic me would have loved to travel to London and get all dressed up and do his best to be charming and network. I'm sad that I can't be that person now. I'm not enjoying this.

I woke myself up about an hour and a half before my alarm with a splitting headache and chest pain so bad I couldn't breathe properly.

(I'd actually incorporated the chest pain in to the dream I was having, always a great sign.)

I was just about able to make myself sit up and it went away quickly. I was sure right away (once I stopped believing the inaccurate justification my dream made up for the chest pain) that it was anxiety induced, and that did seem to be the case; the headache felt like a blood pressure spike and almost all the chest pain faded reassuringly quickly.

No idea what that was about! The first thing I thought of when I was trying to figure this out was I actually thought yesterday went pretty okay! And I wasn't having a bad or even stressful dream; I was dreaming that D and I were doing some minor repairs on "our" shed (bigger than our real one, but it was ours in the dream and thus full of all the familiar "oh yeah that door has never worked quite right" and "this isn't ideal but we can bodge it for now" feelings I associate with homeownership...a remarkably dull dream, definitely not an anxious one!).

I do get chest pain and slight difficulty breathing with my anxiety on a regular but not frequent basis, and I've woken up with chest pain before, but nothing like this. Really weird but since it's never happened before I'm hoping it'll stay just One of Those Weird Things About Having a Body.

I didn't get back to sleep and I had a lot to do this morning so I soon got up. Got dressed, brushed teeth, went downstairs, started on chores and breakfast and work...

The day seemed pretty normal until V got up.

They found both of us downstairs and asked us to check our shoes.

For all I value the social model "people aren't disabled by their impairments"...Sometimes we are. Sometimes I just. don't. see things. And that can cause problems, for me and others!

It did this morning. V cleaned up what I'd unknowingly tracked all over upstairs. But it was rough on the spoon levels and mood of the whole household; D and I both felt bad for not noticing until V started their day with this unpleasant task.

I was proud of myself for not spiraling (it was close!), for sticking to a proportionate amount of frustration and keeping it aimed at the situation and not at my blindness.

It was hard not to spiral, I have decades of practice at it and I'm really good at it!

It helped that I could express these feelings to the others without getting toxic positivity in response too: It's okay to be disappointed and frustrated. It's okay to be mad at my visual impairment and the trouble it can cause sometimes.

And then, near the end of this mentally and emotionally draining time, I realized it was the (arbitrarily chosen, when I booked it!) time for my covid shot! So I went to do that (it was fine, I was brave about the needle!) and I can now add physical reasons to the list of why I want to go to bed at 7:30.

I really had to push myself to work this afternoon, but I'm glad I did. If I hadn't gotten as much done as I did eventually manage today, I'd have only given myself a lot more stress tomorrow, and I don't need that when Thursday will already be a stressful work day (I have to go to London to do a talk).

I saw a conversation between two other people on fedi about covid denial.

We used to talk about "covid denial" as an antivaxxer thing, but almost everyone does it now. People "just have a cold." They're sick a lot this summer. They pretend it's not abnormal to be sick this much. And to never really get better --people shrug off long-covid symptoms like brain fog and fatigue with excuses like "I'm feeling my age lately."

Reading someone saying

what i really notice is the method of denial is that it is ILLEGAL NOT ALLOWED FORBIDDEN to talk about covid at all in any way at any gathering. among liberal types, not a single person will acknowledge how one of us (me) is conspicuously wearing a 3m fully sealing N95 mask just to attend the event

we DO NOT talk about long covid, the wave of new conditions, the community members falling ill and off the radar. i am honestly amazed even after all this time

reminded me of something that happened at work the other day which I wanted to blog about and never got around to.

I was talking to my manager about a particular report about travel habits in the UK which might be useful for my work but since the data was collected either during or just after the last lockdown, it's not a useful baseline of public transport activity.

When I mentioned this, my manager agreed with me and said something like "You're the only one who remembers covid." Not in an accusing way or anything, just making an ob. Clearly based on the fact that I'm still masking and I've never seen any of my colleagues wear a mask at in-person gatherings. Almost a year ago already, I had a terrible time trying to find out what ventilation etc. would be like for a mandatory gathering of 150+ people in one room.

You're the only one who remembers covid.

I made a joke (about how it was like that movie where only one guy remembered the Beatles) but it was to cover my discomfort at this sentence. It didn't feel funny to me at all. It felt eerie. Still does.

Anyway I know I'm not the only one who remembers covid. If you remember too, you're not alone either. It's hard but we're not wrong.

This afternoon, mother_bones and I went to a local fat-positive clothes swap.

It was a really positive experience. We got rid of a lot of stuff we don't wear -- too-femme things in both cases, as well as stuff we just don't wear, doesn't fit right, all the usual stuff.

People were nice, trying stuff on and complimenting each other. It didn't seem like people buying stuff to resell online or alter to sell to thin people, both of which are concerns at these events. It was great to see a variety of gender presentations and races and a lot of visibly disabled people (MB had rollator envy of someone) and the event was wet out in a reasonably accessible way.

I was really impressed to see an event with explicit covid protections.

COVID-19 HARM REDUCTION: To minimise potential spread of covid-19 and protect clinically vulnerable folks in our community, we ask ALL attendees to wear a mask at the swap. Spare masks will be available on the door! We also encourage everyone to consider additional harm reduction practices before the event, for instance by testing before attending, and obviously not attending if you have any covid-19 symptoms.

The venue can't open most of their windows but the ones that could be open were and there was a big air filter, looked like a dehumidifier, labeled something like "Covid Box, must be on while an event is happening" so that's good too.

It was amazing to be in an environment where there were clothes you could be interested in, pick up (they were all laid out on tables) and go "...no actually this is too big for me" and put it back for someone for whom it will be the right size. We're just not used to the physical presence of clothes that are too big.

It was even more amazing to see people pick up stuff we'd brought and look delighted by it. MB had a lot of really striking items that they were so happy to see bringing delight to others: they even saw someone struggling with the corset they'd brought and went over to help the person get it on.

MB came home with a very sedate four new items of clothing, I had stacks of things: two hoodies, a denim jacket, a few nice shirts for when I have to dress up for work... I am feeling very accomplished (and slightly worried as to where I'm going to put them all! I was trying to get rid of stuff!).

They'll do another one in September so I think we'll have some coats and stuff to donate by then!

( So I'll put this behind a cut. )

I had a blessedly uneventful journey, except that the long flight was stressful because my phone wouldn't charge and I worried it was actually finally broken, and I also worried I'd lost my current favorite mask. Which I do seem to have; I've unpacked everything and it's nowhere to be found. We can get more, but probably not in time for me to go to London on Monday. Annoying.

Since I got home Gary has been very happy to see me, and I've had a great shower and then gone out with diffrentcolours for food and to see a gig his friend's band is playing. He got a pretty positive answer when he asked the venue about ventilation, though the results we're actually finding here are decidedly more mixed. Still it's nice to be out, nice to do something normal. Nice to be up until a sensible bedtime!

This evening, with a visiting friend in town, we headed for two cocktail bars that diffrentcolours had researched and we were looking forward to trying.

Of course, this is only possible for us because they had outdoor seating. But both of them told us "outside is closed." One actually stacked up their tables and chairs are. The second might have been even more annoying because there were people sitting outside with their drinks still, but we couldn't have any. Menu on the table, but we had to sit indoors to get a drink. It seems odd for an establishment selling alcohol to not get a pavement lincese past 7 or 8pm on the weekends (if that indeed is what was going on)!

Fine. We took our money elsewhere. It still sucks though.

Today I had the affirming experience of going to a gay sex shop (with my boyfriend and friends who are also dudes) and no one batting an eye.

I'd been in there once before, many years ago, with a then-boyfriend who was interested in going but too scared to go alone. I was sorta just there for moral support and sorta having more fun than he was (and I was just looking at underwear and a calendar I still remember all this time later, of French rugby players). But naturally I got some dirty looks, no doubt I made my boyfriend look straight when we were in fact two bi people.

And I'm glad I managed to not make my boyfriend look straight this time. Indeed the guy who was enthusiastically encouraging us to buy ridiculous dildos only singled me out to tell me "your mask is hot."

This made me laugh in surprise. It's just because of the neoprene cover, but still. I've been told a bunch of times that my mask is cool, but I never expected to hear that it's hot!