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[257/366] where is my depression
Sep. 13th, 2020 10:52 pmSo I don't exactly have homework for this therapist but I guess I do this first week becasue she said if I don't do it beforehand we'll do it in the session.
She said to draw like an outline of a person and put on it where my depression is. "Like, does it feel like your arms and legs are heavy, does it feel like a weight on your heart, a weight on your chest?"
I have no fucking idea. This doesn't make sense to me. I know I'm guilty of thinking of my depression in very functional terms, I describe it in terms of what I can (usually "can't") do: am I socializing, am I doing housework, am I cooking and eating, am I going to bed and getting out of bed. But I know even when I'm functional I'm still depressed.
Another thing I'm guilty of is being very people-pleasey, which I know is a problem in therapy. I'm also pretty good at storytelling and metaphor so while I think I could come up with a clever paragraph about how depression is like having weights on my arms and legs or something, I don't know if I really feel like that.
I first realized I was depressed when I was 19 and it was definitely there for a while before that. And it's never really gone away. I've felt like this for more years now than I haven't. Asking me where my depression is in my body feels like asking a fish what water is like: it's everywhere all the time.
She said to draw like an outline of a person and put on it where my depression is. "Like, does it feel like your arms and legs are heavy, does it feel like a weight on your heart, a weight on your chest?"
I have no fucking idea. This doesn't make sense to me. I know I'm guilty of thinking of my depression in very functional terms, I describe it in terms of what I can (usually "can't") do: am I socializing, am I doing housework, am I cooking and eating, am I going to bed and getting out of bed. But I know even when I'm functional I'm still depressed.
Another thing I'm guilty of is being very people-pleasey, which I know is a problem in therapy. I'm also pretty good at storytelling and metaphor so while I think I could come up with a clever paragraph about how depression is like having weights on my arms and legs or something, I don't know if I really feel like that.
I first realized I was depressed when I was 19 and it was definitely there for a while before that. And it's never really gone away. I've felt like this for more years now than I haven't. Asking me where my depression is in my body feels like asking a fish what water is like: it's everywhere all the time.