"You know," I told ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mother_bones on Sunday evening when I realized how far we were through the month and was surprised by it, "November is bad for me every year and it turns out that a good way to deal with being reminded of an old bad thing is to have a new bad thing happen!"
That worked for me last year too!
Around the time the clocks changed a few weeks, I found myself starting to think about that again and it took me a while to realize it was around that time last year it had all kicked off. My friend is doing lots better still, which is so great but also makes it the memories of this time feel even more surreal and difficult to think about.
That clock-changing time coincided with some triggers about my marriage ending (and it was just this time last year that the mortgage buyout and then the divorce happened too, oof I just realized that now!).
There was a lot going on even before my ankle and the surrounding traumas, is what I'm saying.
My usual insomnia is back with a vengeance. I'm having the regular not-falling-asleep kind...but not instead of my usual waking-up-too-early, oh no, as well as. Last couple days I haven't been falling asleep until after 2am, and I'm still waking up at 6 or whatever. It's not great! Vicious cycle of poor sleep leading to poor functioning leading to more poor sleep. I can feel myself reacting more strongly to microaggressions and I can feel myself unable to arrange my thoughts as well as I'd normally expect to.
And I can't go for walks to help like I usually would. I can't stand up from my desk and cast around for laundry or tidying something or feeding the dog like I normally would when work is too difficult. Times like that I just want an easy win and "Gary has his meds" or "swapping the laundry over" is perfect for that kind of thing. I haven't found a good alternative other than counting down the days until I have the hospital appointment where hopefully I'll be told that I can put some weight on my left leg.
Ten days left now.