[312/365] bad brain weather
Nov. 8th, 2021 07:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cosmolinguistI always tell myself calendars don't matter, anniversaries don't matter, and then we get to November and I just stop being able to function and it always always catches me by surprise.
"It'll be sixteen years," my mom said last night. She didn't say what it'll be sixteen years since. Didn't need to.
"Man, that feels like a long time," I mused.
"Well yeah but you still remember it," she said. "You still feel like it just happened, this time of year."
Yeah. This goddam time of year.
I had a horrible, horrible day for anxiety on Saturday, despite the visiting friend and nice food/drink I was excited about. Annoyingly, I thought that nice evening had shaken away the bad brain altogether because I really did feel good when I wrote that. But when I went to bed, the anxiety was back worse than before, I had way more physical anxiety symptoms (feeling this miserable prickling under my skin, being nauseous, and feeling a kind of cold that I can't get warm from) than I usually get without a precipitate cause.
And I could tell as the anxiety kicked in that it wasn't correct: the people who know and love me best do care about me and do want to communicate with me. It was so implausible and yet, of course, I was still unable to logic myself out of my misery.
I haven't felt quite as bad since then but yesterday and this morning I have felt like my brain has too many tabs open and I can't close any of them.
Death is important and remembering is important but November sometimes feels like it's laying it on a bit thick for me.
"It'll be sixteen years," my mom said last night. She didn't say what it'll be sixteen years since. Didn't need to.
"Man, that feels like a long time," I mused.
"Well yeah but you still remember it," she said. "You still feel like it just happened, this time of year."
Yeah. This goddam time of year.
I had a horrible, horrible day for anxiety on Saturday, despite the visiting friend and nice food/drink I was excited about. Annoyingly, I thought that nice evening had shaken away the bad brain altogether because I really did feel good when I wrote that. But when I went to bed, the anxiety was back worse than before, I had way more physical anxiety symptoms (feeling this miserable prickling under my skin, being nauseous, and feeling a kind of cold that I can't get warm from) than I usually get without a precipitate cause.
And I could tell as the anxiety kicked in that it wasn't correct: the people who know and love me best do care about me and do want to communicate with me. It was so implausible and yet, of course, I was still unable to logic myself out of my misery.
I haven't felt quite as bad since then but yesterday and this morning I have felt like my brain has too many tabs open and I can't close any of them.
Death is important and remembering is important but November sometimes feels like it's laying it on a bit thick for me.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-11-09 01:50 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-11-09 02:02 pm (UTC)Also much love and thoughts to your parents, that cannot be easy for them at all. We don't have a good way to acknowledge long term grief in our societies, that sometimes it never goes away and the hard bits pop back up at times.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-11-09 05:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-11-09 10:23 pm (UTC)