Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness

Yesterday, besides going to the gym I went into town and with D and a friend investigated the new location for a queer bookstore and then had a pint.

It wouldn't have registered as "a lot of walking" before but on top of having gone to the gym I wasn't surprised that, just before we got to the bus stop to head home, I was really glad that we were already almost there because something that might have actually been my ankle -- instead of the muscles in my foot and leg, which is all I'm used to -- started to feel pretty sore and weak.

I was fine getting home, but once I did I crashed pretty heavily. Less because of the physical issues and more because of mental/emotional overwhelm I think: it'd been a big day for the friend, and their situation unfortunately involved some old triggers for me so I was dealing with that. And it'd been another demanding week at work. And even though I feel like I've been sleeping okay the last few days, it's only "okay" by the standards of a chronic insomniac whose dog spent a week waking him up 3-4 times a night.

And this was the first time I'd been anywhere other than a store or our local pub since I broke my ankle, so it was overwhelming to be around crowds and stuff again. The bar we ended up at wasn't busy but it was noisy: what I thought was a loud group of about eight people ended up just being one loud guy, oof. And of the "cis gay who thinks he can't be misogynist because he's gay" type. So that was a lot all by itself.

Also, using a walking cane for my ankle means I'm not using my white cane for my eyes. This has been fine so far because it's not like I've been moving quickly, and I've been in pretty controlled and/or familiar environments, like the hospital or Tesco or the usual streets near my house. Being in town was a lot. People didn't seem to give me as much of a break as I'm used to. I missed my white cane when I had to judge curb heights and find similar unevenness with my feet instead of my cane, which is especially unfortunate when one of those feet is extra weak and I'm particularly trying to avoid any amount of unevenness because it's more likely to make my foot sore! People who need walking aids and white canes must have a whole different kind of training than the one I got -- I hope they do anyway! -- because there are definitely a lot of skills I don't have and would really need if this was going to be a long-term thing.

And it was dark (well, at first just getting dark but that's nearly as bad), and wet so the ground was shiny and reflecting all the points of light that were already doing my head in.

I say all this to say that I'm really glad that after all of that, I actually feel great today! Some combination of ibuprofen, ice and rest when I got home meant my ankle didn't disrupt my sleep or hurt today. I took it easy enough in the gym that the next day I'm not beset by muscle soreness to the sam extent as the people I went with. And we had no real plans today which meant I could stay in my pajamas and sit on the couch and read and stuff (amid a million dog walks and other demands he placed on us all!). Still a day with some emotional triggers in it, but much less so and I'm hopeful that this particular set of external events will feel less intense to my lizard brain after today.